I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
