Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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