Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My ass is underappreciated
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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