Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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