What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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