Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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