She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
