apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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