does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
