Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
