why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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