People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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