I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize