Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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