her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
