best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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