he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize