I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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