ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
