I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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