I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I deserve this hangover.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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