did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I party with great urgency now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
