Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
