soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
