it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize