smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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