Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
