Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
