You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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