he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
