where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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