I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You are a genius and a whore.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
