Please, let me fuck your mom
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
