he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
