You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
