Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
