Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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