your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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