Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
