2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
