some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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