My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize