I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
