it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
