it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
