My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
