well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
