how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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