What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
