All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
