My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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