Im at strip club and am horny
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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