shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
