i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
