puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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