well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
