i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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