get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
