did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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